One of those days/those ignorant few

I'm a sufferer of the Monday blues. Especially today.
I'm a sufferer of Monday blues- it's Monday every day.
Sometimes it's a Tuesday, a day ahead a week,
then sometimes it's a Sunday, too,
but then it's Monday in a fleet.
I wouldn't say I hate my Mondays,
just the unchanged date.
I could never really hate my Mondays
because my Monday's just a phase.

I started this post with a poem because I wanted to, I'm also not feeling very 'wordy'. Anyway, I'll go on writing (in spite of my mood) because I made a promise to myself that I would. No matter what, I'm sticking to something for once. My nearest and dearest are encouraging me to do so, too. I, of course, couldn't let down my few, loyal readers either.

I know I've been rather eloquent and descriptive in previous posts, but today is different. Today, I'm playing it real. Today, I don't feel great. I can't quite pinpoint the reason, nor can I pinpoint what is exactly wrong, I just know that something is wrong. These days happen a lot for me. They evoke an inexplicable, unsettling, shattered sense of self and purpose; a sort of limbo, teetering over toward the fires of hell. I know what I want to do but I'm completely incapable of making the movements I should, or the movements I make don't feel like they're getting me anywhere. I'll linger over a subject, running scenarios through my mind, making plans which I don't push forward for some strange fear of being disorganised. It's almost as if there's such a great anxiety for failure that it has become the root of my failings. My mind takes me in circles, like a snake who's eating its own tail: stressed, self-sabotaged, stuck.

I can hear many saying, "just get on with it", "put a smile on your face and you'll feel better", "get over it". I do get on with it, I smile every day, and I'm actually in the process of the latter. I, and many others going through the same, do this every day. But just because we 'get on, smile, get over', it doesn't mean it goes away. It's simply masking what's going on inside to avoid dealing with the ignorance of such comments and attitudes. It's a means to avoid the pressing questions of those who'll so easily tell you to take a holiday, as though your entire history will be bleached clean by a beating sun, no more beating than your heart that fights the growing frustration. I stay subdued when people make such comments for fear of history repeating itself; the last time I told someone they were overly simplifying it- that mental illness wasn't such a straight-forward issue- they somehow managed to turn it to offence, take offence, then made me out to be in the wrong. I stood, bewildered and awestricken, that someone would take my illness, trivialise it, then use it as an argument to shut me down because I'd damaged their inflated ego by, supposedly, "questioning" their intelligence. I haven't had the bite to argue with any alike him since. I haven't had the bite to argue much at all really. I'm exhausted. I'm dealing with my own mental health, so I don't need to be tackling foreign minds and their blinkered inability/unwillingness to learn. In light of this, I have advice for such people: if your view on mental illness is based on shitty opinions and self assured speculation: fuck off. Simply fuck off. If you are unable to look at the evidence that's present in the world- you know, alllll those studies- then you are not worthy of time. However, I will admit that there's one thing we share in common: we both live in our own heads. I'm locked inside mine, attempting to pick the many locks in order to break out, whereas you're just living there. You're happy in your own head because as long as everything appears to be the way you want it to be, you don't care. Only you're important to you, and I feel sorry for you because of it. I don't pity you, I feel sorry for you, and even that's pushing it. We also happen to share a wall. Mine, a mental block I'm working to dismantle, brick-by-brick; yours, an ego of monumental proportions that tells you, "you're right, ignore the"- VERY FACTUAL EVIDENCE THAT ANY PERSON OF SENSE ABIDES. But that's fine. Live your life in ignorance. At the end of the day, I'm the one who's working to get out, you're simply sealing yourself in.

Oh, and I've changed my mind: next time, I'm speaking out.

Rant over. *drops mic*