Regression

I really don't know what to write any more. I'm struggling again!

My brain seems to have lassoed itself to a fence post and started re-runs of old episodes on a nearby rock to keep me entertained; I've found myself regressing to old ways of thinking where I escape into stories and scenarios, living various lives through adventurous tracks of thought. I won't lie, these thoughts are much better than my usual sense of lacklustre and despondency, but they aren't real. My own head is forcing me back into a nursery room of colours, toys and teddies, beyond which lies a post-apocalyptic waste that's haunted by memories of once-was and of those oppressed- those hidden in caverns I dare explore for the sake of discovery and betterment of self. I enjoy the escape but despise the impending deposition, like a king to be overthrown for abstaining from the care of his kingdom. I need to face reality and care for my kingdom. Were I to care for a kingdom, would I allow foundations to crumble for fear of the work it takes to repair them? No. So why do I allow such things to happen to myself? Why do I willingly allow myself to draw back into the safety of a pretend world to avoid facing my issues? Especially considering my matching willingness to better myself.

Sometimes I fall to my thoughts and call myself weak because I see no other reason for my behaviour, but then I realise I am strong because I choose to face these problems in hopes of stamping them out. I don't actually live in that pretend world any more because I can't afford to; if I want to make it in this life, then I need to face it and make it my own, not hide away and lose myself as I have for many years before now. There are many kinds of closets, and this one is mine. Slowly but surely, I'm edging out toward the light on the other side of the room, and when I get there, I'll be waiting for those of you trying to escape, too.

Drug addiction.

Today, there will be no comparisons, no parallels drawn between insect and issue, no measures taken of a window for a mind. This is a topic that I will not approach in a half-hearted fashion, nor will I make light of or allow it to be ridiculed. This is about drug abuse in relation to mental health.

Like it or not, drugs are a part of this world. Whether you drink, smoke, or pop recreationally/medically, you partake in the world of drugs. Our way of life relies on them to provide wellness, oneness, love, escape, and for those misfortunate individuals, a means to an end. You only have to look back in history to see that drugs have been a part of the human way life for a very long time, which makes it only natural, I suppose, for them to have been made of use by those who do not sleep at night; those whose thoughts loop around the days, evenings and early hours, like a vulture circles it's weary prey, waiting for them to slump over in relent to their impending end- but we don't sleep. You ache to relinquish your withered-self to the beast that hangs above, but the very same beast brandishes an IV drip of coffee-concentrate, revelling in your unwilling obligations to fight on, evocative of a cruel master and their slave. Your bloodshot eyes are pinned open, like the prized butterfly of an entomologist's collection who has it constantly on show to ensure nobody forgets, least of all, you.

I've heard people make statements like, "drugs are for people who just can't handle how kick ass reality is". I can see why some might think that but, I can assure them that many who've drawn up an alliance and contract with their mind-altering friend; that they've handled reality every morning, every afternoon, every evening, every. Damn. Day. It isn't an inability to handle it but an unwillingness to continue on the path that steepens. You just don't want to. Is that a sign of weakness? Perhaps, but who's to determine weakness from exhaustion? Personally, I didn't want to handle how "kick ass" reality is because I'm getting my ass kicked! I'm hooked-up by the very thing as reality prods and pokes my brain- a malicious sibling shouting, "what does this button do?!" So, my thoughts were, why not numb the pain? Self medicate as it were- and avoid the problem at hand. Yeah, that's right, I won't dodge the issue. I know that my drive to do so was to forget, to alleviate the torment... to sleep. Almost every night, I would light-up in a pursuit for dreams- though, more often than not, I'd forget them as a result (for which I am mostly thankful, as it seems my mind enjoys tormenting me in rest, too). I hid behind the smoke on which I relied. Since then, I have reflected on this issue and have begun the process of quitting, tackling my demons beneath clear skies instead of clouds atop the rocky grounds- something I beckon others to do. Go about it at your own pace, of course, but in order to accept our problems, we must acknowledge them first. If avoidance/denial is your first step, that's okay. You most likely aren't ready to face your shadows just yet so just listen out for your own voice to tell you when it's right; it'll echo through when it's time. A journey to recovery should never be rushed for fear of potential relapse. However, I will say this: don't allow yourself to slump so far into the habit, that you never want to escape it. Make movements to make change. Remind yourself, daily, of what you're trying to escape so you learn to get used to your past, then quitting becomes easier when facing the problems you've already pondered instead of avoiding. Don't lose yourself and become the habit, lose the habit and become yourself.

I won't pretend that everybody who has an addiction is afflicted. My intention is not to excuse every drug-taker, as it's clear that some people just enjoy having a good time, going on to form a non-dependent addiction. I do ask, however, that those who cast judgement on people who've seemingly developed an addiction, take a moment to think why they have and what you can do to help. A constructive pointer for you: attempting forced change definitely isn't the answer. You should talk to and listen to them. Be there for them. Support them for as long as they need until they emerge from their shell, ready to tackle the sands before the ocean. Be their friend. Just by listening, you can be the change that they need. To those who find themselves "handling reality", I implore you not to hide. Do not go through this alone, and don't lose your way. You're being called for somewhere, you just might not be able to hear it yet. Good luck.


If you or anybody else you know is going through drug addiction, here are a few links to help:

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/drugs/Pages/Drugtreatment.aspx - Getting help with drug addiction

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/drugs/Pages/caring-for-a-drug-user.aspx - Families of drug users

http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/drugs.php - A list of support lines and other helpful links