Netflix and kill

Hello,

     It's been a while, hasn't it. I apologies for my distance of late, I've not been handling my own company too well these days and have been immersing myself in the distractions that come with having a social life. I did, at first, think I was getting better; climbing from my dark to join those others in the light - sort of normalising, I suppose. It turns out I wasn't. After what feels like months of daily interactions with vast numbers of people- both old friends and new acquaintances- I have crashed.  I have lazily rocked into the shore for simple relief from the waves. I did not look, I did not dock, I did not pay. I just rocked up and out, onto the cushioned sands of Bedroom, stocked up on my lover, Food, then Netflix and killed the time away. My mind fell numb as I traversed the Delta Quadrant in Star Trek: Voyager, wondering, too, if my eventual destination was as unfathomably distant as theirs (70,000 light years away for those who haven't watched), or if I was heading down my own structurally unsound wormhole, a heading of 20 years past, in a bid to achieve the naivety and innocence that lead life to feel so magical so early on. Alas, I gave myself a kick and told myself to stop being silly. I won't go anywhere fast when my thoughts are pulling me so low, and a journey into the past is never what I need.

     For what it's worth, the reason I haven't been able to write is because I've simply been avoiding myself for the fear of knowing what I'd be facing: the same man as before, just shaken up from his weeks a sea. What I wasn't thinking was that I'd be the same man as before, just in need of a little more patience for self to come back around.

     These social weeks have been exhausting. They've also been incredibly helpful. While exhausted, I feel invigorated by the prospects that life has to offer when of a healthier state of mind. I am, for the first time in a long time, excited for myself. I'm excited for myself because I can see the person I can be when I am active and driven- it's been a long time since I encountered extended periods of time in which I behaved that way. So, yes, I may be exhausted by this lively and exciting period, but I'm leaving with a new drive to get better instead of carrying a solemn, self-perpetuated prediction of failure.

I will do this. I will win.